I'M NOWHERE YOU'RE SOMEWHERE

I don't really know what this about. Boredom i guess but learning how to properly braid my hair got me a little too hyper, much more then i imagined it would and was upset i didn't capture the momentary happiness i decided to simply capture the aftermath of my frizzy mess of a hair.

I found out that my favourite book of all time

(Anna Karenina) is being turned into a modern movie (as there is currently two older versions i believe)

and the cast is quite disappointing. I mean how can Keira Knightley act as passionate and as insane as Anna??? My favourite character in the book is being played by someone i've never seen and i read that James McAvoy was suppossed to be in it, he would have quite easily made the film for me if he was, his acting is incredible, plus he's cute. I'm not sure how long until it will be till i read another book as beautiful as AK. Tolstoy is such an amazing writer, i've never in my whole time of reading, read anything that flowed so easy and incorperated so many hidden truths. I folded down about half

the page corners so i could later write down a quote i felt attacthed to. Enough about AK otherwise

i won't be able to stop talking about it.

 I also realised that a reason why i've suddenly began to freak out about my wondering thoughts is because this past year i've changed quite a lot and due to my studies i never allowed room for those changes to come out of the water and now and over the last month i've been free to acknowledge these changes more willingly it has been an intense experience. I've never really known when to be truthful about things and when to let them go and so usually i just ignore them because it's easier but by doing this, these happenings stay in my mind until eventually i explode in some way or another... I generally don't want others sympathy so i don't tend to share things that make me sad to them. I don't want people to associate me with someone whose unhappy so again i don't tell people when that's the truth. I've been so scared of letting people know of those feelings they've stayed within me and every now and again i'd feel it more then ever, not knowing what it was at the time. All i knew is that this feeling crept upon me not often but when it did it was the exact same feeling as the last time. I've had chance to explore this feeling and it was the most loneliest and scariest thing i've allowed myself to do but i needed to understand what it was in order to move on. 

I finally feel ready to move on from such darkness that was inside of me. It wasn't necessarily something that took over my life as a whole because for the majority of the time i was happy but it when it was present, i lost hope and that was what was most horrible of all. Without hope the world isn't a great place to be. I've had the chance to be alone and not feel alone and i think that's what i really needed. Loneliness is one of my biggest fears. It's innate in me to desire the company of others but what i really needed was to be alone and establish myself just a little bit so i could feel the peace needed for me not to be scared of that quietness anymore. 

I feel at peace with myself again. HOORAY

I COULD SEE FOR MILES MILES MILES

Today i woke up in remembrance of some rather strange dreams i had last night which consisted of me coughing vigorously in my friends face. Nice. Also woke up with a nasty stomach ache so i missed my friends 18th birthday out and about in town which sucked. Due to feeling so weak when i woke up i decided that today i would do
nothing all day. However, it turned out to be both a productive and restful day. I harvested my mothers potatoes from the garden, read quite a bit of Oliver twist and started my bracelet out of threads. Spent most of my day in the sun and by the end of the day i was feeling much better, nothing like a bit of ultraviolet rays to make a girl smile.
Seriously need more sun in my life. 

BETTER RUN BETTER RUN

I don't really have any sense of time or day now. I had to ask my friend about 5 times within the same hour what time we were meeting, getting forgetful too but i love summer and the freedom it gives. It's the time of year when we all can be lazy and not feel guilty about it. Currently still in my pj's and all i have done is eat a muffin, drank tea, watched the film named "never let me go" and making a new bracelets out of threads. I was actually shocked at how much the film made my heart ache. I know it isn't real but i don't necessarily think that's the point. It reminded me about the equality of humans and what everything else deserves but sometimes never receives. I don't like to think about it too deeply but there is such a variety of living things. Humans are the same by evolution but different by DNA and the environment. I hate how unfair life can be to people who don't deserve it. I hate how people say everything happens for a reason and think that justifies everything. I'm a mixed mess right now. I feel so much sometimes and it can be so overwhelming. I don't even know how to deal with it. Should i try to make sense of these thoughts that no one else ever brings up or just ignore them? Sometimes i confuse my self so much with what is right and wrong, sane and insane, truth and false- i end up right at the start with the same confusion as i entered with.

PUMPED UP KICKS

Here are a few images from my second roll of film, black and white again but my camera
 currently has coloured film in it so
i'm pretty excited to see how the 3rd roll turns out.  There's something magical about film pictures. The sentiment within each image feels more real and prominent then any digital picture i've taken.

I HAVE STRANGE FRIENDS

This is what happens when we get 4 hours of sleep.  We get delusional and believe so much we’re not ourselves that we transform into a variety of animals and characters. I quite like this look on me. 

A CURIOUS BIRD

These were taken at the start of this week. My best friend Melanie (on the RIGHT of the last image) styled the beautiful Emma and we all took a little adventure in the woods. Again the weather was not on my side as i was hoping
for some golden hour shots it was as cloudy as anything. Despite that disappointment i had the most wonderful day with these 2 and Abigail who joined us later. We watched hairspray, made friends with a caterpillar, cat and frog, put henna on our palms, face painted and chatted about some mind boggling things. I'm happy.

TIME TO SHOW MY FACE

My 18th birthday was actually one whole month ago and i was gifted with an  Ipod classic so i can  pretty much have an unlimited supply of music with me always. I know it sounds cliché to say music makes me sane but
it's the truth. It's my most understanding of friends and it has the power of changing my mood and making
me feel a new sense of happiness. I also received a beautiful film SLR from a group of my girlies and the pictures above are the result of a newly developed film (first ever roll) and i got a letter from a friend in the post. I was definitely a happy 18 year old.