“Carpe diem; seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary.”

The title is a quote from my new favourite film "Dead Poets Society".

I've became lazy. Simple as that and it's preventing me from living to my potential. It's the new year soon and i need to start thinking how to make 2012 the best year yet, i know who i want to be and how i want to live, i just need a little plan of action. In the summer i was confusing to whether i should be a free thinker, be happy but risk deep and utter loneliness or follow others to stay connected to those around me. I believed it had to be one of the two but i soon learnt that i was capable of being who i wanted and still being close to my friends even though they had no idea what i was going through. I've very much became fascinated with this idea  of being and the possibility of true happiness i guess in the philosophical sense of Existentialism and at times when i search for meaning i'm faced with this debate of absurdity  "Why, what is  the point?" I believe that there is a point of being and it is heavily to do with our own beautiful and potentially creative meaning we as humans put into it. Sadly, many don't recognise that we have a choice and follow by uniform a robotic life and although i try to be free and true at times i forget/get lost and lose myself. I think this is the reason why i've been feeling a little lost and out of touch, i haven't really been trying to live truly as much as i know i could. Dead Poets Society reminding me that i have a passion for life and i should not give up on it and continue to do the things that make me happy even if it is separated from this popular culture/mainstream that is forced into our lives today.

I think i needed to rant a little... Now sleep, i'm so very tired!

LYF

I love this photo, i think it could quite possibly be my most favourite that i've taken
 on my film camera so far. It holds some beautiful, beautiful people
 i've became friends with at university and marks a day that i'll always remember 
and is taken in a type of place that i love (a train station). 
The girl at the front with the large bag is Nisha, she's on my course and i don't think i've seen her sad once, she has a passion for life and living that i continuously admire.
 Her friend Amy is the cute one in the middle with the red scarf, unfortunately she is not a 
student at Huddersfield but stayed with us for about a month. I hate that i hardly will get to
 see her now. On the right of this image is Josh, who is quite the character, he makes 
me laugh so much, he's very caring and i'm at such ease with him. I spent one Thursday with these lot, the day was at uni and we had such lovely time, we soon skipped on a Train to Leeds, 
had coffee in a cafe and went back to Huddersfield, collecting 
a  total 30 people and went to play LASER QUEST. I had so much fun that day! 
I've always had a weird obsession with public transport which i still don't fully understand,  
there's something about being forced to live in the moment, that space of time of stillness in our minds, all we can do is sit, think and talk but for some reason i find it exhilarating. 
Maybe it's got something to do with being with strangers, the unknowing of who they are or what they are doing that fascinates me...


Christmas day was pretty amazing, i had so much fun spending time with my humongous family and all the little children. Today, i spent at home with my parents, brother and grandma, it has been rightfully lazy but again filled with lots of food. I just finished watching an incredibly inspiring film with my brother called "The Dead Poets Society". It made me smile and cry but mostly think, think about things i have been putting off, things that i should really be thinking about some more.

GOLD COAST

I've had a rather busy but ever so enjoyable week at home so far. Monday was great, as i got to spend time with all of my favourite people. Tuesday i managed to get some work done, although it was only a little it means after christmas and in the new year i'll be more motivated and work more efficiently (i hope anyway). On tuesday evening the whole family went to my uncle's as my two of my cousins from Africa have came home for christmas so we all had dinner and caught up. I love having such a big family, my grandma had 13 children so that means so many cousins and now a whole new generation of second cousins! On Wednesday my parents, brother and i went out for lunch and had a Christmas special at this lovely little French restaurant we all like. We had a 3 course meal and it was yum yum yummy and i was utterly stuffed afterwards, also got my christmas outfit that day- a little black velvet dress. So on Thursday i was babysitting my cousin Reiss, a 6 year old boy brought up in Kenya (son of one of my cousins), we spent the day making paper cranes, painting, baking, decorating our baked goods and playing guitar. I think he could quite possibly be my most favourite boy on this earth. He is so adorable, i've never met such a cheeky, innocent, clever, imaginative and caring 6 year old. I could spend all day just listening to his voice. On Thursday night i spent with the girls in town which was fun fun fun, i haven't drank since my fiasco in Huddersfield so it was great to let lose again. Friday i was with the girls again, we attempted to make Christmas dinner on a budget and succeeded, then we played articulate and pictionary ha. My christmas eve i was baking all day, i made 2 Christmas yules, a selection of festive cupcakes and a gluten free trifles for my daddy.The rest of the day was spent with my family at my aunts and tomorrow or today as it is 23 minutes past midnight (CHRISTMAS DAY WOO) i will be seeing them all again and cannot wait. I love spending christmas with all of these lovely people.


The next week i am even more busy, with even more family visiting, my trip to london and the near year but it will be wonderful. 

ALMOST CRIMES

Yesterday was such a lovely, incredible day. It started by meeting up with my best friend, we walked into town, did some light christmas shopping and sat in costa for a few hours. I've missed her

so much over the last few months, it's been very difficult to suddenly be without the one constant i've 

had throughout my life so far so it was amazing to be with her again and laugh at things everyone else simply passes by. I met up with my mother after and she bought me a jigsaw because for some strange reason i've really been wanting to do one for the past year. After that my dad and brother were in costa so i sat with them for another few hours. We're learning how to be a family again, at times it can be quite scary but for the most it is beautiful. We came home and shot off back out again to pick up my aunt and headed to play badminton, haven't played since my GCSE's but i won 2/4 games.... with the help of my brother! We all came home, had dinner and then were visisted by my uncle, aunt and some cousins. I was utterly exhusted by the end of the day but it was most definitely worth it. Today i plan to get some work done as i wont have time in the next week and later this evening my cousin from Africa has visited so we're all having dinner together. I love christmas!

OH and i finally developed my film! 

NAKED KIDS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_Xq4d9Hkas really loving grouplove right now!

My first semester at university has definitely been incredible. I'm really surprised with how i dealt with the independence, the freedom to live my own life has been exhilarating. It's been so good to spend so much time with other humans, people need people, i've came to understand that but i'm kind of in need for some alone time ha. Maybe i'm just a little overwhelmed but i'm feeling out of touch with myself or something. By the end of summer i knew completely who i was and what i wanted out of life, i had the time to reflect on my changes. I guess the truth is that i've changed again in quite a significant way but i haven't really acknowledge those changes... My university friends have commented endlessly about how strong my passion is for everyday life, they seemed amazed by my enthusiasm about such simple things. I never realised how excitable i am, maybe i have always been but university has allowed me to express it more. Also, my view on how i wanted to live has altered slightly, i believed that a pure life was the only true path to happiness but university has allowed me to find happiness in things i never thought would make me happy. I think i've really learnt the meaning of "making the most" of our existence. I just feel so damn free at univeristy and i never realised how much i needed that. Right now i just want some peace and quiet, a stillness in my mind....

STATION TO STATION

I've kind of got into the routine of using the song name of what i'm listening to at the time as my blog title.

This morning has been dedicated to David Bowie who i've only recently began to listen to, i know shame on me, he's so damn talented! This morning has been pretty relaxed, just in the middle of unpacking all my things seeing as i'm home for Christmas and will be here for a month. I've also had to arrange my LONDON trip with my friend Melanie, we'll be there for 3 days after Christmas and i cannot wait. I'm going to by a lot of film and just snap snap snap away. Also gonna  meet up with some friends i met at university who live 

there which will be amazing because i've really gotten close to them. Today, all i plan on doing is unpacking, spending time with the fam and trying to finish Crime and Punishment. 

It's feels so damn good to be here. 

oh and this photo was taken sometime last year i think, probably when i was revising like hell for my A levels and looked out the window to see the beautiful moon. i don't know why it fascinates me so much but i could literally stare it forever....

HOME

I am finally home and it is beautiful. The last week has felt so very long, i've been revising for my exam which i had on Thursday afternoon. It was kind of a blur, i have a feeling that i didn't really perform my best... I did work really hard beforehand but i was a little distracting with house viewings and the constant feeling of homesickness. I just hope i wrote enough to get a decent percentage. The house hunting business has been long and very difficult and i am still without a place to live next year which scares me to death. My friends and i have been looking for ages but we've been really unlucky, every time we like a house someone manages to get it before us. We have found a house we like but the problem is the room size, they are tiny! I personally need some physical thinking space which the majority of rooms do not have, in fact only one room does have it.... They all have double beds which is good but i have a lot of stuff and i have no idea where it'll all fit. After the exam, Sarah and I decided to buy a lot of chocolate and watch a load of films because we hadn't had much time to just relax due to work and what not. I had to say goodbye to all my friends so beforehand i went round all of their flats, it took 2 hours! So we didn't end up having dinner until 10pm, i made us chilli and rice and it was YUMMY. On Friday i cleaned my room and packed ready for my brother and dad to pick me up. When we got home we set up the Christmas tree and put up all the decorations, i re-arranged half what my dad did because he went seriously over the top with christmas lights. I'll take some pictures and post them! Woke up super late today and made pancakes for my brother and me,  then i lazed around in my pj's for most of the day and watched UP later in the evening. Tomorrow i plan to finish unpacking, planning my holiday and going into town to develop my rolls of film! 


IT'S SO GOOD TO BE BACK.

MY MA

I'm feeling much more like my usual self, not fully there yet and i don't think i will be until the 17th December when my parents and my brother come pick me up and take me home.

I'm just a little exhusted and want to be in the safety and comfort of my family and friends at home. 

The next 3 days i plan to revise for my exam and although all i want right now is to be at home, i'm really looking forward to absorbing myself in this assessment. Today in tutor, we were made to think about our futures and share our ambitions with the class. I haven't thought about it in a long time, the last time i thought about my career, a sudden mass of hopelessness overpowered me.... My ambition felt far away and unachievable but after discussing it today, i've realised that i really do want to be a Clinical Psychologist specialised in children. I want to help others and the child mind fascinates me. I also found out i can get where i want to be minus 3 years of studying that i thought was required. However, the position i want is competitive and i have to start building up my CV now. When i go home i'm going to do some more research and find ways in which i can make this happen. Psychology is definitely right for me, it was starting to feel like a chore but i realised (again) how passionate and interested i am in others, i care for humans and want to continue to study them. Study them not half heartedly but wholly. I need to put myself fully into my studies. I think i've been a little distracted and too fucused on the whole making friends thing, which is important don't get me wrong but it has been tiring and distracting. I need some me time, to focus on myself, i need to be more independent. There's a lot of improvements i want to make about my life and myself and seeing as it's nearly the new year i'm going to spend a lot of time thinking about my goals. I lose myself sometimes, well a lot of the time actually. I'm so tired. 

WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN LOST

Today, well yesterday and even the day before i've been feeling terribly and unusually sad. Saturday night is major part of the sadness but it did not cause it, it only allowed the sadness to show itself on a more conscious level. My sadness is a mixture of many little things, my longing to be home, my missing my brother, the unknown future of where i'll be living next year, the instant changes to my beliefs, the not knowing how to be, the disappointment in how i acted, how i didn't really get to spend my friends last night with her and how i can't be there for my best friend who is really hurting right now. I never, until this moment realised how much i repress my negative feelings because i'm ashamed of expressing them. I know they do not signify weakness and yet why do i behave as they do? I'm scared of sadness i think, i'm scared that if i'm a little sad, then my whole mental stability i've created will collapse and they'll be nothing to hold me up. I've had to be my own support system for a very long time, mainly because i've never known how to tell people what goes on in my head. Everyone who knows me, knows that i'm hardly ever sad but that every now and again i'll show days of sadness when i didn't have the strength to hide or try and remove it. But the thing is i'm unbelievably happy with my life and the turns it has taken, it's just right now, in this little moment of my life i'm feeling really sad, who knew it was possible to be both sad and happy. Work has always been my saviour, i need stop focusing on my sadness right now and channel this mass of emotions into something positive. I don't know where i am going to get this energy from. Listening to Bon Iver right now, i think it could just be doing the trick. My exam is in just over a week, i'm going to try to surround my thoughts in it, i can't handle this sadness right now, it's driving me crazy.

OH LONESOME ME

Life unexpected. An eventful week is an understatment. It started off with 2 days of essay redrafting for my Social Psychology deadline, my first major essay, hope i do well, worked on it for hours. Then on Wednesday night i went with some friends to the cinema to watch Breaking Dawn, they all loved it, i personally found it boring. I can't believe i used to love the Twilight Saga.... Thursday was such a great day at university. I went to Leeds with some friends to do an observation at a cafe, didn't really go to plan but i got the most yummiest gingerbread latte and a chocolate muffin! We spontaneously decided to go laser quest that very night, we called everyone we knew and ended up with 30 people! IT WAS AWESOME. My body ached so much the day after, i really need to start some form of exercise, does yoga count? Then that same night i got the most best surprise, my friend Teena came up to visit which was great. On Friday i spent the day with her and in the evening we went to the Festival of Light in Huddersfield, was so much fun, Gina and I got some really, really cool light sabers. We thought in the streets, people stared haha. Saturday began with Teena and I going to the vintage fair in town, came back and made dinner for my friends and then got ready for going out to town. The night was a blur, i basically drank to much and ended up being taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I know it's not that big of a deal but that sort of thing never happens to me, i always have control over how much i drink and know when to stop but last night i got carried away. I am so embarrassed and honestly disappointed in myself, so many arguments over me and i probably ruined the night for a lot of people. I just feel so fragile right now, i want to be home, i want my brother and my parents. I miss them so much right now.