“Carpe diem; seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary.”

The title is a quote from my new favourite film "Dead Poets Society".

I've became lazy. Simple as that and it's preventing me from living to my potential. It's the new year soon and i need to start thinking how to make 2012 the best year yet, i know who i want to be and how i want to live, i just need a little plan of action. In the summer i was confusing to whether i should be a free thinker, be happy but risk deep and utter loneliness or follow others to stay connected to those around me. I believed it had to be one of the two but i soon learnt that i was capable of being who i wanted and still being close to my friends even though they had no idea what i was going through. I've very much became fascinated with this idea  of being and the possibility of true happiness i guess in the philosophical sense of Existentialism and at times when i search for meaning i'm faced with this debate of absurdity  "Why, what is  the point?" I believe that there is a point of being and it is heavily to do with our own beautiful and potentially creative meaning we as humans put into it. Sadly, many don't recognise that we have a choice and follow by uniform a robotic life and although i try to be free and true at times i forget/get lost and lose myself. I think this is the reason why i've been feeling a little lost and out of touch, i haven't really been trying to live truly as much as i know i could. Dead Poets Society reminding me that i have a passion for life and i should not give up on it and continue to do the things that make me happy even if it is separated from this popular culture/mainstream that is forced into our lives today.

I think i needed to rant a little... Now sleep, i'm so very tired!

LYF

I love this photo, i think it could quite possibly be my most favourite that i've taken
 on my film camera so far. It holds some beautiful, beautiful people
 i've became friends with at university and marks a day that i'll always remember 
and is taken in a type of place that i love (a train station). 
The girl at the front with the large bag is Nisha, she's on my course and i don't think i've seen her sad once, she has a passion for life and living that i continuously admire.
 Her friend Amy is the cute one in the middle with the red scarf, unfortunately she is not a 
student at Huddersfield but stayed with us for about a month. I hate that i hardly will get to
 see her now. On the right of this image is Josh, who is quite the character, he makes 
me laugh so much, he's very caring and i'm at such ease with him. I spent one Thursday with these lot, the day was at uni and we had such lovely time, we soon skipped on a Train to Leeds, 
had coffee in a cafe and went back to Huddersfield, collecting 
a  total 30 people and went to play LASER QUEST. I had so much fun that day! 
I've always had a weird obsession with public transport which i still don't fully understand,  
there's something about being forced to live in the moment, that space of time of stillness in our minds, all we can do is sit, think and talk but for some reason i find it exhilarating. 
Maybe it's got something to do with being with strangers, the unknowing of who they are or what they are doing that fascinates me...


Christmas day was pretty amazing, i had so much fun spending time with my humongous family and all the little children. Today, i spent at home with my parents, brother and grandma, it has been rightfully lazy but again filled with lots of food. I just finished watching an incredibly inspiring film with my brother called "The Dead Poets Society". It made me smile and cry but mostly think, think about things i have been putting off, things that i should really be thinking about some more.

GOLD COAST

I've had a rather busy but ever so enjoyable week at home so far. Monday was great, as i got to spend time with all of my favourite people. Tuesday i managed to get some work done, although it was only a little it means after christmas and in the new year i'll be more motivated and work more efficiently (i hope anyway). On tuesday evening the whole family went to my uncle's as my two of my cousins from Africa have came home for christmas so we all had dinner and caught up. I love having such a big family, my grandma had 13 children so that means so many cousins and now a whole new generation of second cousins! On Wednesday my parents, brother and i went out for lunch and had a Christmas special at this lovely little French restaurant we all like. We had a 3 course meal and it was yum yum yummy and i was utterly stuffed afterwards, also got my christmas outfit that day- a little black velvet dress. So on Thursday i was babysitting my cousin Reiss, a 6 year old boy brought up in Kenya (son of one of my cousins), we spent the day making paper cranes, painting, baking, decorating our baked goods and playing guitar. I think he could quite possibly be my most favourite boy on this earth. He is so adorable, i've never met such a cheeky, innocent, clever, imaginative and caring 6 year old. I could spend all day just listening to his voice. On Thursday night i spent with the girls in town which was fun fun fun, i haven't drank since my fiasco in Huddersfield so it was great to let lose again. Friday i was with the girls again, we attempted to make Christmas dinner on a budget and succeeded, then we played articulate and pictionary ha. My christmas eve i was baking all day, i made 2 Christmas yules, a selection of festive cupcakes and a gluten free trifles for my daddy.The rest of the day was spent with my family at my aunts and tomorrow or today as it is 23 minutes past midnight (CHRISTMAS DAY WOO) i will be seeing them all again and cannot wait. I love spending christmas with all of these lovely people.


The next week i am even more busy, with even more family visiting, my trip to london and the near year but it will be wonderful. 

ALMOST CRIMES

Yesterday was such a lovely, incredible day. It started by meeting up with my best friend, we walked into town, did some light christmas shopping and sat in costa for a few hours. I've missed her

so much over the last few months, it's been very difficult to suddenly be without the one constant i've 

had throughout my life so far so it was amazing to be with her again and laugh at things everyone else simply passes by. I met up with my mother after and she bought me a jigsaw because for some strange reason i've really been wanting to do one for the past year. After that my dad and brother were in costa so i sat with them for another few hours. We're learning how to be a family again, at times it can be quite scary but for the most it is beautiful. We came home and shot off back out again to pick up my aunt and headed to play badminton, haven't played since my GCSE's but i won 2/4 games.... with the help of my brother! We all came home, had dinner and then were visisted by my uncle, aunt and some cousins. I was utterly exhusted by the end of the day but it was most definitely worth it. Today i plan to get some work done as i wont have time in the next week and later this evening my cousin from Africa has visited so we're all having dinner together. I love christmas!

OH and i finally developed my film! 

NAKED KIDS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_Xq4d9Hkas really loving grouplove right now!

My first semester at university has definitely been incredible. I'm really surprised with how i dealt with the independence, the freedom to live my own life has been exhilarating. It's been so good to spend so much time with other humans, people need people, i've came to understand that but i'm kind of in need for some alone time ha. Maybe i'm just a little overwhelmed but i'm feeling out of touch with myself or something. By the end of summer i knew completely who i was and what i wanted out of life, i had the time to reflect on my changes. I guess the truth is that i've changed again in quite a significant way but i haven't really acknowledge those changes... My university friends have commented endlessly about how strong my passion is for everyday life, they seemed amazed by my enthusiasm about such simple things. I never realised how excitable i am, maybe i have always been but university has allowed me to express it more. Also, my view on how i wanted to live has altered slightly, i believed that a pure life was the only true path to happiness but university has allowed me to find happiness in things i never thought would make me happy. I think i've really learnt the meaning of "making the most" of our existence. I just feel so damn free at univeristy and i never realised how much i needed that. Right now i just want some peace and quiet, a stillness in my mind....

STATION TO STATION

I've kind of got into the routine of using the song name of what i'm listening to at the time as my blog title.

This morning has been dedicated to David Bowie who i've only recently began to listen to, i know shame on me, he's so damn talented! This morning has been pretty relaxed, just in the middle of unpacking all my things seeing as i'm home for Christmas and will be here for a month. I've also had to arrange my LONDON trip with my friend Melanie, we'll be there for 3 days after Christmas and i cannot wait. I'm going to by a lot of film and just snap snap snap away. Also gonna  meet up with some friends i met at university who live 

there which will be amazing because i've really gotten close to them. Today, all i plan on doing is unpacking, spending time with the fam and trying to finish Crime and Punishment. 

It's feels so damn good to be here. 

oh and this photo was taken sometime last year i think, probably when i was revising like hell for my A levels and looked out the window to see the beautiful moon. i don't know why it fascinates me so much but i could literally stare it forever....

HOME

I am finally home and it is beautiful. The last week has felt so very long, i've been revising for my exam which i had on Thursday afternoon. It was kind of a blur, i have a feeling that i didn't really perform my best... I did work really hard beforehand but i was a little distracting with house viewings and the constant feeling of homesickness. I just hope i wrote enough to get a decent percentage. The house hunting business has been long and very difficult and i am still without a place to live next year which scares me to death. My friends and i have been looking for ages but we've been really unlucky, every time we like a house someone manages to get it before us. We have found a house we like but the problem is the room size, they are tiny! I personally need some physical thinking space which the majority of rooms do not have, in fact only one room does have it.... They all have double beds which is good but i have a lot of stuff and i have no idea where it'll all fit. After the exam, Sarah and I decided to buy a lot of chocolate and watch a load of films because we hadn't had much time to just relax due to work and what not. I had to say goodbye to all my friends so beforehand i went round all of their flats, it took 2 hours! So we didn't end up having dinner until 10pm, i made us chilli and rice and it was YUMMY. On Friday i cleaned my room and packed ready for my brother and dad to pick me up. When we got home we set up the Christmas tree and put up all the decorations, i re-arranged half what my dad did because he went seriously over the top with christmas lights. I'll take some pictures and post them! Woke up super late today and made pancakes for my brother and me,  then i lazed around in my pj's for most of the day and watched UP later in the evening. Tomorrow i plan to finish unpacking, planning my holiday and going into town to develop my rolls of film! 


IT'S SO GOOD TO BE BACK.

MY MA

I'm feeling much more like my usual self, not fully there yet and i don't think i will be until the 17th December when my parents and my brother come pick me up and take me home.

I'm just a little exhusted and want to be in the safety and comfort of my family and friends at home. 

The next 3 days i plan to revise for my exam and although all i want right now is to be at home, i'm really looking forward to absorbing myself in this assessment. Today in tutor, we were made to think about our futures and share our ambitions with the class. I haven't thought about it in a long time, the last time i thought about my career, a sudden mass of hopelessness overpowered me.... My ambition felt far away and unachievable but after discussing it today, i've realised that i really do want to be a Clinical Psychologist specialised in children. I want to help others and the child mind fascinates me. I also found out i can get where i want to be minus 3 years of studying that i thought was required. However, the position i want is competitive and i have to start building up my CV now. When i go home i'm going to do some more research and find ways in which i can make this happen. Psychology is definitely right for me, it was starting to feel like a chore but i realised (again) how passionate and interested i am in others, i care for humans and want to continue to study them. Study them not half heartedly but wholly. I need to put myself fully into my studies. I think i've been a little distracted and too fucused on the whole making friends thing, which is important don't get me wrong but it has been tiring and distracting. I need some me time, to focus on myself, i need to be more independent. There's a lot of improvements i want to make about my life and myself and seeing as it's nearly the new year i'm going to spend a lot of time thinking about my goals. I lose myself sometimes, well a lot of the time actually. I'm so tired. 

WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN LOST

Today, well yesterday and even the day before i've been feeling terribly and unusually sad. Saturday night is major part of the sadness but it did not cause it, it only allowed the sadness to show itself on a more conscious level. My sadness is a mixture of many little things, my longing to be home, my missing my brother, the unknown future of where i'll be living next year, the instant changes to my beliefs, the not knowing how to be, the disappointment in how i acted, how i didn't really get to spend my friends last night with her and how i can't be there for my best friend who is really hurting right now. I never, until this moment realised how much i repress my negative feelings because i'm ashamed of expressing them. I know they do not signify weakness and yet why do i behave as they do? I'm scared of sadness i think, i'm scared that if i'm a little sad, then my whole mental stability i've created will collapse and they'll be nothing to hold me up. I've had to be my own support system for a very long time, mainly because i've never known how to tell people what goes on in my head. Everyone who knows me, knows that i'm hardly ever sad but that every now and again i'll show days of sadness when i didn't have the strength to hide or try and remove it. But the thing is i'm unbelievably happy with my life and the turns it has taken, it's just right now, in this little moment of my life i'm feeling really sad, who knew it was possible to be both sad and happy. Work has always been my saviour, i need stop focusing on my sadness right now and channel this mass of emotions into something positive. I don't know where i am going to get this energy from. Listening to Bon Iver right now, i think it could just be doing the trick. My exam is in just over a week, i'm going to try to surround my thoughts in it, i can't handle this sadness right now, it's driving me crazy.

OH LONESOME ME

Life unexpected. An eventful week is an understatment. It started off with 2 days of essay redrafting for my Social Psychology deadline, my first major essay, hope i do well, worked on it for hours. Then on Wednesday night i went with some friends to the cinema to watch Breaking Dawn, they all loved it, i personally found it boring. I can't believe i used to love the Twilight Saga.... Thursday was such a great day at university. I went to Leeds with some friends to do an observation at a cafe, didn't really go to plan but i got the most yummiest gingerbread latte and a chocolate muffin! We spontaneously decided to go laser quest that very night, we called everyone we knew and ended up with 30 people! IT WAS AWESOME. My body ached so much the day after, i really need to start some form of exercise, does yoga count? Then that same night i got the most best surprise, my friend Teena came up to visit which was great. On Friday i spent the day with her and in the evening we went to the Festival of Light in Huddersfield, was so much fun, Gina and I got some really, really cool light sabers. We thought in the streets, people stared haha. Saturday began with Teena and I going to the vintage fair in town, came back and made dinner for my friends and then got ready for going out to town. The night was a blur, i basically drank to much and ended up being taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I know it's not that big of a deal but that sort of thing never happens to me, i always have control over how much i drink and know when to stop but last night i got carried away. I am so embarrassed and honestly disappointed in myself, so many arguments over me and i probably ruined the night for a lot of people. I just feel so fragile right now, i want to be home, i want my brother and my parents. I miss them so much right now. 

I DON'T EVEN ASK

This is me happy, simply because i am wearing this super soft jumper, oh the simple things in life....

This week is going super fast! Monday i had my first real exam at university, i wasn't sure just how much work i needed to do to properly prepare for it, i think i went a little over the top but either way the exam couldn't have gone any better (i think). Tuesday, went to view the most nicest house with sarah but unfortunely wont be living there because our other 2 friends are not able to afford it, which is a real shame but we've been to view some houses together and hopefully we'll be getting it sorted soon. I'm starting to panic a little now though. We all went house hunting on Friday and agreed on this super old but quirky and adorable house, i think i could see myself living there.... I'm looking forward to living with the 3 girls, i can see us making a real nice and pleasant first home. My coursemate Sarah and I get on really well, she's such a lovely person, although our interests are relatively different, we're acually quite similar and i love how she gets as excited about simple things in life as i do.

So i've spent all day writing my essay and although i didn't get as much as i wanted done today i'm pretty content with what i did get written, although, i'm gonna have to cut a lot out, can see myself going easily over the word limit. Hopefully by dinner tomorrow it will be finished so i get to have an evening relaxing, i need to learn to work more efficiently. By wednesday it'll be sent, i'm planning on going to the cinema and then at the weekend there's this huge festival thing going on in the town which i'm actually really looking forward too. Then i have a week and a half to prepare for my second exam until, which is taking place a day before i break up for christmas. Christmas has came so fast, i'm so excited for it, 4 weeks at home with close family and friends is going to be so so magical.

Oh that reminds me, my flat had christmas on the 25th Novermber, made christmas dinner and decorated the kitchen! It was very adorable.

YOU ARE MY ALLIGATOR

I have spent all weekend revising for my first exam at university.... Although i've been distracted and have done lots of procrastinating but i do feel confident for it, i think. Due to the exam i've been a hermit for the last two weeks and after tomo even though i have an assessment that needs to be started i am going to meet up with some lovely girls i've made friends with and catch up/ go for drinks. I'm so excited for tomo, even though i have to get this exam done first.... Sometimes i freak out when i realise the workload i have right now but then i'm reminded i have it most under control and i shouldn't feel guilty about not working all the time, we're only human, we're social animals, humans need humans.

A GOOD PLACE

I haven't taken any photographs in a long time and for the first time in ages i've begun to miss that hobby or interest. I miss my camera and the adventures we took, sounds so superficial i know but all i want to do is grab my camera and run away, into the woods of wonderlust and be free with sight of sunrise/set seeping around me.

It's a good job i just bought 3 rolls of film then, isn't it.

I think i need to write more short blog posts like this.

BLACK AND WHITE HORSE

This picture was taken on halloween.... All my friends wanted to go as vampires but i decided to do something a little more authentic and creative so made a bat outfit with the help of my mummy. Was having a really fun night with some uni friends i hadn't seen for a whole week because i went back home until this weirdo in a mask decided to be all creepy. Not cool.

I'M STILL YOUR FAG

I don't know why but some periods of my life are filled with weeks and even months where i find it terribly difficult to write. I think about writing and the whole notion repulses me. I'm not sure if it is a mix of laziness or the fear of accepting/dealing with what is going on in my head. It's easier to just let it go on passively but i've been in that place before, i cannot go back there again. I have to filter out my thoughts, even if i tremble with fear at the idea of really hearing them. It is good. It will be good for me. This is something i need to learn.
The truth is, i'm usually honest and open with myself, denial is a rarity in my head but maybe i've been trying to convince myself that i am okay. I am okay, i'm more than that i'm happy. Am i not?
I am currently at home, the home where my parents habitat. I haven't been home in 6 weeks. I've been at university. I thought that i'd find it so difficult being "alone" but the transission process from a life of safety to a life of raw independence was exhilarating. It wasn't difficult at all, the place, the people and the course felt unquestionably right. It is my new home.
I never imagined sitting in my room, in my first home and calling another place home.
Why is it that right now i feel sad and tired. 
I've only been here a few days and all the memories of the last year are rushing back. The battles i faced.... The battles that need to be let go. I'm not sure how to let them go. It's all mixed up right now

WANDERLUST

I went for a walk near my halls at university. I will be visiting there again, the light was fantastic! 

HEART OF GOLD

In many ways this has been my most uneventful summer and yet i have learnt more in this short space of unproductive time then ever before. I needed this time to think and without realising what was happening to me or travelling more then 10 miles away from home i now realise i've been on an incredible and adventurous journey. Some call it self discovery and i guess i call it making a new friend, only that friend is I. No i do not have a multiple personality disorder. I've just had the time to be with myself and come to know who i really am, what makes me smile inside and out and what things repulse every inch of my body. I've changed and it seems every day i change some more. I used to hate change, even when it was positive. Transitions are good, they challenge and develop you. Growing up for me has always been a lonely and frightening path for me but i've found a constant within myself that has allowed me to welcome life and all of its new experiences instead of fear away from them. I've realised how important it is to love oneself. I don't really have the words to describe this because it's more of an emotion, so feeling, what i feel now reader is the only way you will understand. Sometimes when we're unhappy with life, a situation, a friend or a loved one we should focus on ourself first and after that, so many doors open, spending some time alone can be the greatest cure. As long as perfection isn't your goal, happiness is always close by.

YOU'VE GOT STRACHES ON YOUR ARMS

This weekend i went to visit some cousins and we adventured off to London, yes again i know, ended up spending most of our day in Camden Town. I got three new bracelets and two rings. I could've spent a week there, all the little things were so pretttttttty. Anywho, on the day i came home, a load of family were over as my uncle came to visit all the way from Canada. It was nice to see him, reminded me again of one of my greatest holidays when i went to visit his family in Montreal. God this is so boring. What i really want to say is how much i hate how people, living together for so long forget that the people around them have feelings, just because they're/we're used to them it's fine to treat people like they know nothing. I hate it. It makes me sick sick sick to the point i'm repulsed by everyone and i know i shouldn't be. I know i shouldn't constantly focus on your defects, i don't know why i search for them but you make me so angry sometimes. I need to get out

HANG ON TO YOURSELF

This summer has taught me that i have a difficult time with being alone. However i am beginning to love myself and channel my thoughts into creativity. I still mistake happiness as a possibility only when in the presence of others and i feel like a hypocrite because i told so many not to depend on others for happiness otherwise you'll never be able to
depend on your own two feet. How could i have been so blind?  I neglected myself and i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to forgive myself for that. I've realised how important it is for humans to be happy with who they really are and not who society conditions them into being. I see so many people lost with themselves, they go on everyday acting in their life, pretending to be what they truthfully are not. I guess i should be grateful that i know who i really am, even if i don't always pursue that person but i've made a promise to myself- Be true to who you are, it is the only REAL way of being.

In the fields of art we can do whatever we like

For so long i was convinced of my inability to nap but after a good six months of non stop revision i found that it was in fact an ability of mine. I've just woken up from a twenty minute or so power nap and feeling so refreshed, although, my window is fully open so that could be the result of an evening breeze. Before indulging in my new found ability i was reading "Crime and Punishment" by the great Fyodor Dostoyvesky, i'm only 5 or so chapters into the book and i'm already absorbed in- usually takes me a lot longer to become interested in the plot. The mind of Rodya intrigues me very much.

Last weekend my friend Angela and I  took a coach into the big L, yes London and made our way to Victoria park to attend Field Day. The whole trip was perfect and so so enjoyable. On the journey there Angela and I had great discussions and debates, i desire them ever so greatly now, i'm so eager to understand this place that can feel so alien to me at times and it was really, really nice to have good company and talk about real things. I know it's not for everyone or acceptable talk for majority of the time but travelling via coach and train seem like perfect places to me to discuss our impossible thoughts, it's like for a certain period of time we're forced to stop and identify ourselves because there is nothing else we can do at times like that. The festival was brilliant. I got to see my beloved Willy Mason and James Blake and that'll keep my heart at peace for a very long time. James Blake was actually incredible, i was in such a complete trance during his performance. Angela and I got a little to excited in the whole day and ended up taking a wrong turning on the way out, making ourselves rather late and ended up missing our coach back, which was the last one going back, so basically we had to excite ourselves with the idea of staying in L all night as we couldn't afford to get back home. At about two AM or so my wonderful, wonderful cousin Leena came and picked us up so we had a place to sleep, i will never forget her kindness to Anegla and I that night. Eventually some time close to night we arrived back home the next day. It was great.

I'M NOWHERE YOU'RE SOMEWHERE

I don't really know what this about. Boredom i guess but learning how to properly braid my hair got me a little too hyper, much more then i imagined it would and was upset i didn't capture the momentary happiness i decided to simply capture the aftermath of my frizzy mess of a hair.

I found out that my favourite book of all time

(Anna Karenina) is being turned into a modern movie (as there is currently two older versions i believe)

and the cast is quite disappointing. I mean how can Keira Knightley act as passionate and as insane as Anna??? My favourite character in the book is being played by someone i've never seen and i read that James McAvoy was suppossed to be in it, he would have quite easily made the film for me if he was, his acting is incredible, plus he's cute. I'm not sure how long until it will be till i read another book as beautiful as AK. Tolstoy is such an amazing writer, i've never in my whole time of reading, read anything that flowed so easy and incorperated so many hidden truths. I folded down about half

the page corners so i could later write down a quote i felt attacthed to. Enough about AK otherwise

i won't be able to stop talking about it.

 I also realised that a reason why i've suddenly began to freak out about my wondering thoughts is because this past year i've changed quite a lot and due to my studies i never allowed room for those changes to come out of the water and now and over the last month i've been free to acknowledge these changes more willingly it has been an intense experience. I've never really known when to be truthful about things and when to let them go and so usually i just ignore them because it's easier but by doing this, these happenings stay in my mind until eventually i explode in some way or another... I generally don't want others sympathy so i don't tend to share things that make me sad to them. I don't want people to associate me with someone whose unhappy so again i don't tell people when that's the truth. I've been so scared of letting people know of those feelings they've stayed within me and every now and again i'd feel it more then ever, not knowing what it was at the time. All i knew is that this feeling crept upon me not often but when it did it was the exact same feeling as the last time. I've had chance to explore this feeling and it was the most loneliest and scariest thing i've allowed myself to do but i needed to understand what it was in order to move on. 

I finally feel ready to move on from such darkness that was inside of me. It wasn't necessarily something that took over my life as a whole because for the majority of the time i was happy but it when it was present, i lost hope and that was what was most horrible of all. Without hope the world isn't a great place to be. I've had the chance to be alone and not feel alone and i think that's what i really needed. Loneliness is one of my biggest fears. It's innate in me to desire the company of others but what i really needed was to be alone and establish myself just a little bit so i could feel the peace needed for me not to be scared of that quietness anymore. 

I feel at peace with myself again. HOORAY