WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN LOST

Today, well yesterday and even the day before i've been feeling terribly and unusually sad. Saturday night is major part of the sadness but it did not cause it, it only allowed the sadness to show itself on a more conscious level. My sadness is a mixture of many little things, my longing to be home, my missing my brother, the unknown future of where i'll be living next year, the instant changes to my beliefs, the not knowing how to be, the disappointment in how i acted, how i didn't really get to spend my friends last night with her and how i can't be there for my best friend who is really hurting right now. I never, until this moment realised how much i repress my negative feelings because i'm ashamed of expressing them. I know they do not signify weakness and yet why do i behave as they do? I'm scared of sadness i think, i'm scared that if i'm a little sad, then my whole mental stability i've created will collapse and they'll be nothing to hold me up. I've had to be my own support system for a very long time, mainly because i've never known how to tell people what goes on in my head. Everyone who knows me, knows that i'm hardly ever sad but that every now and again i'll show days of sadness when i didn't have the strength to hide or try and remove it. But the thing is i'm unbelievably happy with my life and the turns it has taken, it's just right now, in this little moment of my life i'm feeling really sad, who knew it was possible to be both sad and happy. Work has always been my saviour, i need stop focusing on my sadness right now and channel this mass of emotions into something positive. I don't know where i am going to get this energy from. Listening to Bon Iver right now, i think it could just be doing the trick. My exam is in just over a week, i'm going to try to surround my thoughts in it, i can't handle this sadness right now, it's driving me crazy.